09 April 2011

Just Like Insulin

This post was hard to write. 7 drafts later it still doesn't seem right, and I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this...to be honest, I really didn't want to.

I was 16 when I was diagnosed with depression. In a way, its not a big deal. 10mg of medication to get the amount of serotonin to reach a normal level, a level that its supposed to be at, a level that allows me to function.  It's just like being a diabetic and having to take insulin. For some reason though, I hate that about myself. I try to "make it better" by saying that I don't struggle with depression because there is something I'm not doing right, but because there is something wrong with the chemicals in my brain. This past week, I was ridiculously aware that I the chemicals were "off." I completely broke down over little things, like car malfunctions, I cried after talking with my Mum on the phone when I shouldn't have. I got stupidly upset when plans, that weren't set in stone, changed. I laid awake in bed at nights for hours, even though my exhaustion was increasing.  I lacked the energy/motivation to get anything accomplished, even though it was doing things that I could do, things that I enjoyed doing. I was angry, questioning, wondering why God made me like this. It was nuts. I was nuts.

But, there was something bigger going on. I was more emotionally vulnerable than I cared to be. I think the only person who knew I was struggling, other than my parents, was Matthew. He was dealing the tears first hand, the ridiculous sensitivity, the mood swings, the exhaustion. Admitting to him that I was this broken, this "messed up" was so hard. I felt like I had to justify it to him because I didn't want him to be upset.  His response to me acting like the nut case that I am: I love you. And a hug, a really, really big hug.

Thank you Lord for Your constant, abounding grace. Thank You for wholeness and brokenness. Thank You for tears and thank You for laughter.

"For His anger is but for a moment, and His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but Joy comes with the morning."  Ps. 30:5

No comments:

Post a Comment