so many thanks

i found this email in my inbox today. 

Trying. Trying is worth everything... you have won half the battle! You are winning by even stepping forward with your dreams, look I'm not sure anyone orchestrates our lives but US. Everything you have done up to this point YOU have done. Don't give up on your dreams and don't feel defeated. Think of all the people who NEVER tried and live everyday with regret. You are far more accomplished than so many, and you should be proud of your work. Pinterest can be your pal... pin your work...HELL I'll pin your work... you never know where it will go. The right eyes is all you need!

thank you all so much for those of you who read this blog, look at my photos on facebook....you guys are amazing and i can't thank you enough. 

even if i don't....

according to darwin, only the fittest survive, those who adapt, those learn how to work their circumstances for them rather than have their circumstances work against them. if that is true, which i believe it is, (to an extent at least), change is mandatory, completely and utterly necessary for survival. this means that plans change.

i look at what my plans were my senior year of high school:
get a freakin' awesome scholarship to get out of mississippi
obtain a money maker degree
travel
marry a hunk

thus far:
i've married a hunk (cha ching :))
moved deeper into mississippi culture
well into a money pit degree that does have the potential to someday possibly be a money maker...maybe
and done very little traveling.

clearly, my life is panning out the way i thought it would. not!!! i look back, laugh, and wonder what the heck happened, and what on earth God is doing. but as i look back, i can't help but look forward and wonder. will i be able to use my degree, or will it be wasted? why am i even getting it? will matt and i be in starkville for the rest of our lives? the questions go on. and on. and on. the question front and foremost though is if i don't make it as a photographer, will i be a failure. what if i never sell my work, make money with it? will all those hours in studios and dollars in equipment and classes pay off? will it be worth it, even if i don't make it. will it be ok, will i be ok, if the plans change again, or rather if God orchestrates my life in such a way so that things don't work out according to plan. will i still believe that He is working all things good? ah, now that my friends, is the real question.

confessions of an art major 1.2

i was so mad i cried. which isn't very surprising for those of you that know me. the question that i hadn't allowed myself to ask, to think about, to dwell, the question i shoved to the very bottom, burst, erupted, exploded from my mouth. WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY AM I GETTING STUPID THIS DEGREE?????? i don't like it. the classes i take really aren't going to help me. it's way too time consuming. there seems to be about a one in a millon chance i'll be hired in my field of training. my taste and my teacher's taste are about as opposite as they can be, it's costing too much, it hardly seems like a wise investment, blahblahblah, blahblah, blahblah.....

he responded: because i want you to.

i responded with silence.

i went to study and as i cleared off my desk, i stumbled across this image. i first saw the photograph either my sophomore or junior year of high school and i'd don't think there's been one more inspirational to me. i dream of taking photos as powerful as this one. and now, a day later (because it can take me that long to finish a post) i've realized why i'm getting this degree, maybe even why i want to. it's because i want to inspire someone with my work. but even more than that, i want to help someone with my work. how that is going to happen, i have no idea. i just hope and pray and believe it is going to happen.

image by Jerome Delay, found here

the week the word was pandemonium

i was in third grade.
one of our spelling words that week was pandemonium.
i remember my dad crying as he prayed over our dinner, and for our nation.

i remember the terror
wondering what i'd do if my mom or dad had been in the chaos
and so thankful they weren't.

all images from Google. 

and i will continue to remember.
and to pray.

the unexpected headline

there are some posts that are just hard to write, for me at least. i don't know how to approach the subject gracefully, how to say what i feel or think of it. so i've decided to just go ahead and put it out there. i think when most people went to bed last night, the expected to read headlines in the morning about how the dark knight rises brought in x amount of money and it is going to be one of the biggest of movies of the year. facebook status and tweets were going to be something along the lines of "the dark knight rises is awesome!!" and "loved the dark knight rises!"  i don't think anyone imagined they would see "Batman Shooting, 12 people killed...." i've read a number of articles about it and one that really stood out was about the husband who grabbed his wife's hand while they ran for their lives and how he wouldn't let go of her for anything, or the one about the college grad who died and it seems so unfair because of her passion to live and a exciting career in front of her. and what about the three month old that was shot? and finally there is the one about the gun man's mom who said she was concerned that her son was involved, that she needed to call the police.

there are so many questions. how did the gun man get that messed up? why did he choose that town, that movie theater? where is God in this, how can a good God let this happen? of all my questions, the only one i can answer with certainty is that God will receive His glory in this. i don't know how, but i do know that He uses crisis such as this to bring people to Himself. as awful as this situation is, it beautiful to see the nation come together in this time, to see that even though we are fifty states, we are one nation, under God. and, despite the fact that many people don't believe in God or don't believe they need God, they all call on God when something like this happens. this shooting could have happened in starkville where i live or in jackson where my family lives. it could have happened in washington state where my relatives live or in washington dc where friends live. so, i guess all i can say is thank you Lord for keeping my loved ones safe. and Lord, please comfort the broken, show your greatness, and receive Your Glory.

image from google

every blessing you pour out Lord, i'll turn back in praise.
when the darkness closes in Lord, still i will say,
blessed be your name.

that day.

this day is that day. the day where i am frustrated with stupid, insignificant things that matter next to nothing in the grand scheme of things. this day is that day. that day where i want the throw my hands up in frustration rather than worship. this day is that day where i want to be done learning lessons and just know it already. this day is that day where i want to be successful rather than wondering if i'll be. this day is that day, the day where giving thanks in all things matters most.

it started with looking....

i looked at the work of other photographers.
the work was beautiful.
and then i sunk into a pity party because my work isn't as good as their's.
so i became discouraged because i began to wonder if i was choosing the wrong career.
i felt certain i was.
i then got a phone call.
he said everyone who had seen the photos loved them.
and they wanted my info.

God, YOU are so kind, so gracious, so good.


p.s. if you would like to see the rest of the images from this series click here

the week before

It's the week before spring break and I think it's safe to say all are utterly worn out. Simple tasks have become complicated, creative juices have stopped flowing, exhaustion has taken over and pushing through is all anyone is thinking about. That's the case, for me anyways. However, it's times like this that grace can be most appreciated, especially in the little things. I was driving home from the grocery store and on a non christian radio station the DJ asked what makes today a good day. A caller answered "God. He makes all days good, and gives us grace when they aren't." Amen.

The Heavens

While driving back from Jackson on Sunday, I couldn't get over how beautiful the clouds were. As Matt and I were unpacking, he said "Nikki, you need to look at the sunset." I raced outside and all I could think was "wow, thank you God for beauty."

"The Heavens declare the Glory of God, the skies above proclaim His handiwork." - Psalm 19:1

Leggings For Pants

Lately, there seems to be a lot of status on Facebook saying "girls, since when did leggings qualify as pants??" or something along those words. Personally, I agree with them. For me, there is no way the a skin sucking pair of cloth is more comfortable than a baggy sweats, and I think most would agree with me. However, I believe the reason most women wear leggings isn't comfort but sex appeal. Every curve is exposed, every movement brought into view - just like all fashion trends of today. Women are fed the lie that if they dress sexy, they are empowering themselves. The reality is they aren't empowered at all, but rather are trading in dignity for disrespect. Guys don't look at scantily clad girl and go wow, she deserves respect. If they are a believer, they may be feel sad for her, and if they're not, they're more than likely wondering what it'll take to "tap that."

My challenge is to pray for the girls who are using they body as tool, rather than as a temple. I struggle with this greatly. I judge the girl who is provocatively dressed in church and roll my eyes in disgust to the one who is jogging on the street. I feel livid seeing the string bikinis for two year-olds and wonder what on earth the bride was thinking when her dress shows more of her body than it covers. It's heartbreaking and infuriating. How is that so many women freely hand over their dignity for the sake of fashion and beauty?

While I question, I also have to fight like crazy. I want to feel powerful because if I feel powerful it means I'm beautiful which means I'm desired and if I'm desired, I'm of worth. It's a battle that every woman has to fight, whether she knows she's fighting or not. Thank the Lord my parents were willing to fight tooth and nail with me to show me what beauty means.

Ladies, you are so much more than your body and men, love them beyond touch. Fight for true beauty. I promise it's worth it.

Blooming Where You're Planted

I live life trying to get to the next stage, trying to accomplish the next thing on the checklist, striving to reach the next, better destination. Something my Mum has always told me is to bloom where you're planted. I was never a fan of the saying because it was basically saying to not only be content with where you are and whatever you have but also to use what's available to the best of your abilities, in a way that glorifies the Lord. I knew of plenty of ways I could glorify the Lord in other places, or how I would be very useful if I had a particular set of gifts or than the ones I had. Ultimately, my thought process was, once I'm moved to a fabulous location and given a spectacular, showy set of gifts, I'd be good to go :)

God's moved me to Starkville and I've spent a long time denying it. I still loathe the name. Stark: stripped, barren, boring... (what a unpleasant word!!). Ville....vile..... One of my good friends will be in Africa ministering to orphans (something I've been longing to do for a number of years), the other will be in Memphis, doing urban ministries in the ghetto. I'll be on campus, working or taking classes. I did choose to do this, once again, so I can get ahead, or rather so that I don't "get behind." My best friend will be there and that is an awesome blessing.

Now, only after nearly 20 years of hearing this phrase from my Mum, I'm starting to figure out what that means. Even though I can't see the opportunities I want to see in Starkville, the best opportunities for me right now are there. Learning how to live in Starkville right now doesn't mean that I'll spend the rest of my life there, its just an opportunity for growth. It means learning how to work with what is there. It's still not easy to believe, in fact I rarely believe, that even in the less than ideal conditions, the conditions are best for me.  It's going to take time to adjust, but thankfully, blooming doesn't have to happen over night.

April Showers

"Our troubles have always brought us blessings and always will. They are dark chariots of bright grace. These clouds will empty themselves before long and every tender herb will be the gladder for the shower. Our God may drench us with grief, but He will not drown us with wrath, nay, He will refresh us with mercy. Our Lord's love letters often come to us in black-edged envelopes. His wagons rumble but they are loaded with benefits. His rod blossoms with sweet flowers and nourishing fruits. Let us not worry about the clouds, but sing because May flowers are brought about to us through the April clouds and showers." 

~ Charles Spurgeon

My older sister sent this quote in a text to me about a year, right when I was staring, or felt like I was staring, at the dark chariots. I read it, liked it, saved it and then forgot about it. I had taken it as a feel good text and so that was all it was. I didn't really believe that it could real, that what he was saying was in fact truth.  A few days ago, as I was skimming through the saved messages on my phone, I stumbled across this one.  After reading and then re-reading it, I "got" it.

This semester has been painfully joyful. People in my life have been affected by rape, death, betrayal, illness, mistreatment....More and more I've become aware of the brokenness of the world and the grief and anger that seems to be all consuming.  However, at the same time, I've also been able to experience supernatural joy and healing. I've been able to see that even the envelopes are black and burnt, they are loaded with some of the richest blessings. I am still waiting to see how somethings that have happened can possibly be good things, how a good God can use such pain and heartache for good, and turn the tears to joy. Regardless, I believe that He will.